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Tue Aug 2

Morning Commute

Every morning that I commute, or have to wake up early for that matter, my thought process is that of a suicidal teenager. I think of all the things I would rather be doing, how I can’t go on any longer, how terrible my life is, etc. But once I get to work and get a cup of coffee in my system all my teenaged suicidal thoughts go away and I think to myself how I need to take a chill pill in the AM.

Mon Aug 1

I have decided to get back on the documenting my life on the Internet other than on twitter and Facebook bandwagon. Because that’s not enough, right?

I figured that this is a pretty pivotal part of my life that would be pretty cool to have written down. I thought that while keeping my livejournal in high school. It wasn’t as much of a pivotal moment of my life as much as it’s just hysterical to go back and read.

I graduated from college just over 2 months ago and I have successfully completed one full week of work at a job my dads got me. Good thing I have a job in the field I went to school in to make my $45,000 of school loans worth it. :fartnoise:

I know I shouldn’t complain about my really great paying union job that I have but I’m going to list u grievances about the whole situation now:

1) the hours are insane. For example: waking up at 4 to get on a 5:30 LIRR train to get to the LES by 7:00 AM. Only to work until 5:00 PM. (which would be fine if I worked at the same location everyday so I could meet my fellow recent graduates for happy hour and to get home by 9 to pass out and do it all over again.

2) the hours are insane. It gets much worse than those hours listed in number 1. I could also wind up working from 3PM to 7 AM straight through. But as of last summer, I refuse to ever be put in that situation again.

3) Age difference. I realize that I am extremely lucky to even have a union card at 21. But that doesn’t mean I dont want to have a fellow 20-something year old to goof around with. Every person on set is 40 plus with the exception of film school students that are PA’s and hate you for having the position I do without having to do anything for it.

4) sexism. I am generally the only girl on set until the art director comes around 20 minutes before they start filming and she changes everything around and the 3 days of work that led of to that 20 minutes is completely changed. Art director aside, as I said before everyone is old. But they are also all men. Which could be great. But like I have said they are OLD. in addition to not being sexually appealing, they also expect me to not be able to do just about anything. Especially when it comes to unloading a truck. I’m not a dainty girl that’s afraid to get dirty, but if you’d rather me sit out on moving the 500 pound rug, that is fine by me. there is a peice inside me that wants to scream that I can do it too.

5) the is the exact opposite of what I want to do with my life. As lane as it sounds, I want to make a ~difference~ in one persons life and change the world for the better. Which is why I went to school for teaching. Yes the pay is amazing in the union. Yes I make what I will make in a week in 3 days but I just think it’s absurd that these people get paid so much for purely entertainment. It’s just insane to me.

I think I will end the list there. I have been trying to keep a position attitude about it all as best as I can until I can find a better teaching job.

Speaking of teachig jobs, I live in New York. Ideally would love to teach in New York City. Yes I realize it is 2011 and there is actually no teaching jobs. That’s why I’ve got the hook up with a substitute temp agency that has gotten me a permanent substitute job in Brooklyn, Williamsburg to be exact. I can’t really imagine what kind of high school ages kids live in that neighborhood now but I guess only time will tell.

It is now 9:14pm and it is time for me to go to sleep because i have to wake up in approximately 7 hours. (like I said: INSANE)

Mon Aug 9
Tue Jul 13
The thought of losing so much control over personal happiness is unbearable. That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly. You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, that’s the sad truth. Maybe they’ll break your heart, maybe you’ll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same way. Those are the risks. That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight, we feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens which allow us to fly. Bones, Season 4 finale
Sat May 8
Sam: If you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like.
Andrew Largeman: All right, so what are we laughing at you about?
Sam: I lied again… I have epilepsy.
Andrew Largeman: Which part are we laughing about?
Sam: had a seizure at the law office where I work, and they told me their insurance wouldn’t cover me unless I wore preventative covering.
Andrew Largeman: What’s preventative covering?
Sam: The helmet I was wearing… Oh come on, that’s funny. That’s really funny, I mean I’m the only person who wears a helmet to work who isn’t putting out fires or racing for NASCAR. But what do you do, I can’t quit… their insurance is amazing, what do you do? You laugh. I’m not saying I don’t cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.
Garden State
Sun Mar 28
Hate is baggage. Life’s too short to be pissed off all the time. It’s just not worth it. American History X
Wed Mar 17

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune—without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson
Fri Mar 12
Where was I before I was born? What happens when we die? If you already live in heaven, where do you go when you die? Can you see everything down here? Sunshine Cleaning
I know you cannot live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. So you, and you, and you… You gotta give them hope… you gotta give them hope. Harvey Milk
Thu Feb 25
I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it’s both. Maybe both is happening at the same time. Forrest Gump